Time. How can it pass so slowly, and yet so quickly at the same time? Seven months... seven ages, seven moments.
I've been discouraged by the complexities of this journey lately. Not depressed, but discouraged. I have my good days. Mostly good days, but then along comes a day where I am someone I don't like very much. I'm thankful that today what started out as a bad moment, didn't turn into a bad day, and I want to process it, because it was precious to me in all of its raw, redeemed ugliness.
So this morning while I was praying, I was really wrestling with God. All that peace and faith and surrender that have been carrying me until now were just... gone. I was literally in tears. I was disillusioned, angry, frustrated, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I basically laid it all out before God. I just don't understand. We said yes, we didn't just SAY yes, we stepped out in faith, never mind stepped, we leaped right out of the boat. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why can't the path just be CLEAR?
I felt in that moment just like Israel must have felt backed up against the Red Sea, hemmed in and wondering what they had signed up for. They didn't see "the way" either. I realized that all of the feelings I was wrestling with were not new feelings, Israel had experienced them too, in the wilderness. They, too, stumbled around through no man's land without knowing right from left. They, too, grew exhausted having to take each step by faith and wait on God for every drop of water, and for their bread from heaven. They wondered if they weren't just wandering aimlessly, they toyed with thoughts of giving up and going back to what was familiar, known, expected.
After my tears were spent and I'd beaten my fists against God's chest until my emotions were spent too I heard that gentle voice asking me to consider; "Why do you think I led them to that place, backed up against a body of water with nowhere to turn?" In that moment of silence I knew the answer was so that He alone could make the way. And then he reminded me of things that He has been speaking over me through others in the past 24 hours. He brought them all together and as I looked back at them and put them side by side I felt that moment of warmth I feel every time He speaks light into my fog.
"I just love this kind of thing that God does. I know you can't see it, but I think He is removing every possible thing that would make anyone look at this step of obedience and say, "Oh this happened because they did such-and-such" In the end we are all going to look at this and say, "It was Him. All the time." It's beautiful, an frustrating, and mysterious in the best kind of ways."
and from another; "As I read your letter I was so excited to see how God is moving. Looking at things from an outside perspective, you can see how God is moving things into place and His timing is perfect. Continue to trust Him one step at a time. He is faithful. When you're in Italy, you'll look back at the journey and in getting there and be reminded of God's leading, His faithfulness, and how you can trust Him for the next steps because of how He's led you all along. Psalm 66"
This morning, right after finishing my wrestling match with God and being shown all these parallels of Israel's attitude in the wilderness, I received the following verse in a message from a friend:
"Isaiah 43:19 NLT "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Psalm 66 that was shared with me in that second message from yesterday says; "He made a dry path through the Red Sea, and His people went across on foot. There we rejoiced in Him."
I am so thankful for a God who listens. And responds. He hears my every cry. He knows my every thought. He understands my every frustration. And when I don't have the faith to carry on, when my eyes are burning and my throat is parched and my feet are dragging, He brings beautiful messengers into my wilderness with salve and refreshment and soothing hands that minister grace and goodness.
And no man's land becomes sacred ground.
