Whither Then? I Cannot Say.

When I first began blogging about our faith and ministry journey over four years ago, I was reading the Hobbit to my boys. So many parallels gripped me that I called this blog "The Road to Middle Earth"; Middle Earth being the English transliteration of "Mediterranean". The picture on my blog header was a backdrop for the Tolkien quote I chose as my heading:

My blogging changed themes shortly after we arrived on the field and it became Stones in the Road, based on a favorite Steve Bell song of mine. Its purpose has been to testify to God's goodness and faithfulness along the way. He has been so good. He has been so faithful. And we have no doubt that good and faithful He will be.

At the time of choosing the Tolkien quote early on in our journey, it was the first part that really resonated with me. Now, it is the last line. The last line really says it all when it comes to our current reality. Wither then? I cannot say.

In just under one month we will be shipping our belongings to Canada. We know the province. That is about all we know. A few months ago we thought we had a pretty good idea of how to work this all out in a way that made sense to us. Since Pietro wants to take preaching, leadership and counseling classes at seminary, and our oldest daughter is beginning college on the same campus this fall, we could help cut living expenses for her by moving there for the next four years, be part of a small christian community where our younger kids could attend christian school and Pietro could find work in nearby Moose Jaw (we had a few leads at that time) while fitting studies around work. We could picture this nice, neat package that seemed a wonderful fit for all of our family's needs.

The job possibilities were closed doors. Housing has been CLEAR closed doors. Caronport High School is actually a private school and therefore any expenses we could have helped reduce for Shailey would be eaten up by private school tuition for our other kids. And so we are left questioning our nice, neat, four year plan and learning to say, "If not this, wither then....?" and learning to drift on the current of "I cannot say".

We feel like this is another big "Wait For It" moment in our lives and this time I am really trying to do better, to not wrestle through it like a caterpillar trying to break from the cocoon before its time. I still find myself wriggling at times, but I catch myself and still myself, and find my rest in the flow of the current better than I have in the past.

One open door we have seen is the provision of a  pre-approved mortgage despite the fact that we have no job security (yet). Not only that, it provides us with maximum flexibility (pay as often as you can and as much as you want, or don't pay at all and they will collect interest from our church building project investments at the end of the year). This has been a miraculous answer to prayer, because the honest truth is that with the largest portion of our money from the sale of the farm tied up in our home church building project until 2030, with no job prospects and no income, we definitely don't fit ANY of the standard criteria for a mortgage! But God opened that door so wide for us, in a way that was far beyond anything we would have ever dreamed or asked. So when God does reveal the "whither then", we will be able to move expediently to secure housing!

Until then, He has provided us with a place to stay in our home town of Waldheim until the first week of August (barring the 14-24th of June, if you know of a place we could crash during that period that would be another answer to prayer) and He has given us more confidence in being able to say the words (and be content in saying them): "I cannot say." Where will you be living? I cannot say. What will you be doing? I cannot say. Where will your kids be going to school? I cannot say. What are your plans for the future? I cannot say. The one thing we can say with complete confidence is that although we do not know WHAT the future holds, we know WHO holds the future.

We have had a lot of questions about Pietro's plans for seminary, and what our long term plans are and even those have become increasingly "we cannot say". We do feel increasingly that it is a time in life where we must show care and concern for our kids emotional, educational and social needs, and we do see providing stability and opportunity for them as a large priority for the next ten years until the youngest one comes of age. Since financially it will not be saving us money to live in Caronport, and since doors are not opening in Caronport area for employment and since employment is going to be the important clincher for location, we feel that once the other details of our lives fall together, we will see if, how and when Pietro can fit a class or two a year around holidays and in his spare time through the modular courses offered at Briercrest.

And what about Italy, you ask? We cannot say. Although the dream and the willingness is there if and when God were to open the door in the future for us to return, we have been cautioned and have come to a feeling of conviction we are NOT to put any timeline, or even a definitive stamp of self assurance on our return to Italy at this point. By no longer trying to force a timeline of our own devising, we can focus on living fully in the next chapter of life to continue serving, growing, learning and living out our mission wherever (and for however long) God deems fit to plant us.

Please pray with us that we would continue to have absolute confidence in God's plan and provision for our family, when it comes to our community, our home, our employment, our continued formation and "place in His plan". We might not be able to say "wither then" but we can confidently say, "wherever and whatever lies ahead of us, we know Who goes before us, we know Who stands behind: the God of angel armies is always by our side!

Waxworks

I remember a breakthrough moment I had in my past, when six months into life with our fourth child I thought every cry for food in the middle of the night was the cry that would undo me.  I remember crying and crying and waking up with audible pleas on my tongue begging God to give me rest.  

Pietro gently encouraged me to change the focus of my prayer. To stop praying for the change of the outward circumstance but to pray for God to give me the strength and endurance and patience necessary to rise to the task and to get through the next day and the next, and the next. 

Maybe the greater miracle is not the answer to ones prayer for the change of circumstances, but the work that God does within when the circumstances don’t change. When the going is tough and the obstacles are many and I am tired and unraveled and realize there are only two ways this can go. The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay. 

When the heat is up and the pressure is on, I can be melted like wax and allow myself to be molded into whatever shape He chooses to pour me into, something He guarantees will be good and lovely and of benefit to Him.  Or I can dry up into an unpliable, twisted, gnarled vessel of hardened clay, prone to crack and shatter when battered. 

I am prone to harden, but I hate the cold, rough brittleness of dried clay.  Oh, I want to learn to melt into something soft, warm and pliable. To learn in the melting that circumstances should not and could not sway my resolve to pursue a life filled with grace, peace, joy , patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control by God’s grace at work in me. That these characteristics can become fragrant essential oils stirred into the mix of me plus my circumstances plus my response to equal under the craftsmanship of His hand  a waxwork that is far bigger and better and more beautiful  than life as I currently know it.

Wait For It

Our first job upon arrival in Italy was to start the hunt for a family vehicle. Our prayers in that regard had begun well before departure.  At home we came up with a list of particulars and Pietro shared them with his men's group a few nights before we left.  We even went so far as to pick a color, you know... to narrow the field if you will.  So the list went like this: 2010 or newer, 100,000 kms or less, diesel, standard, 9 passenger with rear double doors , 11,000 euro or less, grey/silver in color.  As the week progressed I also added a deadline to the list, my birthday, Friday, March 27th. At first I really felt kind of odd about being so precise about our request.  Like, were we pushing it? My devotional reading for that morning, right after I finished wrestling with Him in prayer about this literally knocked the wind right out of me;

"I am a God of both intricate detail and overflowing abundance. When you entrust the details of your life to Me, you are surprised by how thoroughly I answer your petitions. I take pleasure in hearing your prayers, so feel free to bring Me all your requests. The more you pray the more answers you can receive. Best of all, your faith is strengthened as you see how precisely I respond to your specific prayers. Because I am infinite in all My ways, you need not fear that I will run out of resources. Abundance is at the very heart of who I am. come to Me in joyful expectation of receiving all you need, and sometimes much more! I delight in showering blessings on My beloved children. Come to Me with open hands and heart, ready to receive all I have for you." Jesus Calling, March 23

Despite these words of assurance and promise the days went by and we found ourselves increasingly nervous as we widened our search by large margins on all criteria and did not succeed in finding anything that had two of these items combined. We searched day and night online all over the country and came up with nothing. As the story goes, these vans are snatched up to be used as rentals, or purchased by sports teams for team transport. Everywhere we went we heard the same words... "dificile trovare" "difficult to find".

The harder they said it was the harder we looked and the more frustrated we were. We felt like God was saying, "Wait for it".  but our humanness and need to "do" something kept popping up like a die hard jack-in-the-box. Another timely devotional clinched it for us.

"Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting me with every fiber of your being instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live, all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties. I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me. Renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of my continual presence. Waiting on me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of joy." Jesus Calling, March 26th

It's kind of funny because we ask ourselves what waiting on the Lord looks like.  I mean, if you don't go to a dealer, or make phone calls, or do internet searches, is someone just going to come and ring your doorbell and offer to sell you the vehicle you need? Ha! So here is how our story goes. We were at the apartment of friends in Florence for lunch. Their upstairs neighbor came down to greet us briefly before going out to run some errands. Since he used to work for Fiat our hosts told him that we were on the hunt for a van and he made a few calls, but the usual replies. Difficult. An hour or so later the doorbell rings and he is standing there with his son in law who tells us if we want, he will sell his Fiat van to us.  We asked him how much he wanted and he said "Well, I have no idea, I had no intention of selling it."

Scratching our heads and smiling strangely we go off  to look at the van and it is a September 2010 model, 98,000 kms, diesel standard 9 passenger with rear double doors, he offered it to us for 10,500 euro and.... dark gray.  God literally brought the owner of this van that met every single one of our criteria to the door of a house where we only happened to be visiting for a few hours. All we had to do was..... wait for it.

No Man's Land

The quotes I chose to add to our header at the beginning of this blog seemed fitting at the time, but I realize now I had no idea the incredible depth of meaning they would come to have for me with time.

Time. How can it pass so slowly, and yet so quickly at the same time? Seven months... seven ages, seven moments.

I've been discouraged by the complexities of this journey lately. Not depressed, but discouraged. I have my good days. Mostly good days, but then along comes a day where I am someone I don't like very much. I'm thankful that today what started out as a bad moment, didn't turn into a bad day, and I want to process it, because it was precious to me in all of its raw, redeemed ugliness.

So this morning while I was praying, I was really wrestling with God. All that peace and faith and surrender that have been carrying me until now were just... gone. I was literally in tears. I was disillusioned, angry, frustrated, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I basically laid it all out before God.  I just don't understand. We said yes, we didn't just SAY yes, we stepped out in faith, never mind stepped, we leaped right out of the boat. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why can't the path just be CLEAR?

I felt in that moment just like Israel must have felt backed up against the Red Sea, hemmed in and wondering what they had signed up for. They didn't see "the way" either. I realized that all of the feelings I was wrestling with were not new feelings, Israel had experienced them too, in the wilderness. They, too, stumbled around through no man's land without knowing right from left. They, too, grew exhausted having to take each step by faith and wait on God for every drop of water, and for their bread from heaven. They wondered if they weren't just wandering aimlessly, they toyed with thoughts of giving up and going back to what was familiar, known, expected.

After my tears were spent and I'd beaten my fists against God's chest until my emotions were spent too I heard that gentle voice asking me to consider; "Why do you think I led them to that place, backed up against a body of water with nowhere to turn?" In that moment of silence I knew the answer was so that He alone could make the way. And then he reminded me of things that He has been speaking over me through others in the past 24 hours.  He brought them all together and as I looked back at them and put them side by side I felt that moment of warmth I feel every time He speaks light into my fog.

"I just love this kind of thing that God does.  I know you can't see it, but I think He is removing every possible thing that would make anyone look at this step of obedience and say, "Oh this happened because they did such-and-such" In the end we are all going to look at this and say, "It was Him.  All the time." It's beautiful, an frustrating, and mysterious in the best kind of ways."

and from another; "As I read your letter I was so excited to see how God is moving. Looking at things from an outside perspective, you can see how God is moving things into place and His timing is perfect. Continue to trust Him one step at a time. He is faithful. When you're in Italy, you'll look back at the journey and in getting there and be reminded of God's leading, His faithfulness, and how you can trust Him for the next steps because of how He's led you all along. Psalm 66"

This morning, right after finishing my wrestling match with God and being shown all these parallels of Israel's attitude in the wilderness, I received the following verse in a message from a friend:

"Isaiah 43:19 NLT "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Psalm 66 that was shared with me in that second message from yesterday says; "He made a dry path through the Red Sea, and His people went across on foot. There we rejoiced in Him."

I am so thankful for a God who listens. And responds. He hears my every cry. He knows my every thought. He understands my every frustration. And when I don't have the faith to carry on, when my eyes are burning and my throat is parched and my feet are dragging, He brings beautiful messengers into my wilderness with salve and refreshment and soothing hands that minister grace and goodness.

And no man's land becomes sacred ground.