The paradox of sweet sorrow is a difficult one to put into words. But I need to try. Because I can't just talk on my strong days, or my up days, or my inspiring days. I need to talk just as candidly on the weak days, the down days, the this-is-so-not glamorous days.
There are things I don't mind giving up. My house, my stability, my possessions. This year has taught me it's just stuff. Home truly is where the heart is. Where your family is. Where your friends are. But just because I don't mind giving up my house doesn't mean I don't mind giving up my neighbours. I miss the "knowledge" of the nearness of the people I have grown to love like family over the years. I mourn the regular "sight" of their space as I drive by on my way places. And though I'm gone in body, my heart remains as near as it ever was.
I've heard various times from a number of people "In a way it's like you're already gone." I get that. But I'm not. And I haven't changed. I love you like I always did, want to enjoy you like I always have and want to cherish each moment we have in the flesh. I fear that in being willing to surrender all I may have given the impression that I can surrender you, too? That I can just "move on" and leave you behind and find someone new to take your place? Never. There will never be another you. I have not, will not, can not surrender you. It's only BECAUSE of you (dear family member, dear friend, dear neighbour, dear church) that I can survive the surrender of everything else.
You know those bratty little kids on TV who say "I'll do it cause I want to, not because you told me to."? Well, in a roundabout way, that's as close as I can get to describing this surrender thing, only in reverse and with a twist (or two). "I'll do it cause You told me to, not because I want to... but I want to want to because You want me to..." If forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it, sweet too must be the fragrance of sorrow, pressed from a heart surrendered.
That's as close as I can get to describing the complex position of a heart bent on surrender. It wants to want to even when it doesn't want to. Because what I really want is to never leave, never grieve, never change a thing about the glorious thing that's called life right here, right now, with you.
