Whither Then? I Cannot Say.

When I first began blogging about our faith and ministry journey over four years ago, I was reading the Hobbit to my boys. So many parallels gripped me that I called this blog "The Road to Middle Earth"; Middle Earth being the English transliteration of "Mediterranean". The picture on my blog header was a backdrop for the Tolkien quote I chose as my heading:

My blogging changed themes shortly after we arrived on the field and it became Stones in the Road, based on a favorite Steve Bell song of mine. Its purpose has been to testify to God's goodness and faithfulness along the way. He has been so good. He has been so faithful. And we have no doubt that good and faithful He will be.

At the time of choosing the Tolkien quote early on in our journey, it was the first part that really resonated with me. Now, it is the last line. The last line really says it all when it comes to our current reality. Wither then? I cannot say.

In just under one month we will be shipping our belongings to Canada. We know the province. That is about all we know. A few months ago we thought we had a pretty good idea of how to work this all out in a way that made sense to us. Since Pietro wants to take preaching, leadership and counseling classes at seminary, and our oldest daughter is beginning college on the same campus this fall, we could help cut living expenses for her by moving there for the next four years, be part of a small christian community where our younger kids could attend christian school and Pietro could find work in nearby Moose Jaw (we had a few leads at that time) while fitting studies around work. We could picture this nice, neat package that seemed a wonderful fit for all of our family's needs.

The job possibilities were closed doors. Housing has been CLEAR closed doors. Caronport High School is actually a private school and therefore any expenses we could have helped reduce for Shailey would be eaten up by private school tuition for our other kids. And so we are left questioning our nice, neat, four year plan and learning to say, "If not this, wither then....?" and learning to drift on the current of "I cannot say".

We feel like this is another big "Wait For It" moment in our lives and this time I am really trying to do better, to not wrestle through it like a caterpillar trying to break from the cocoon before its time. I still find myself wriggling at times, but I catch myself and still myself, and find my rest in the flow of the current better than I have in the past.

One open door we have seen is the provision of a  pre-approved mortgage despite the fact that we have no job security (yet). Not only that, it provides us with maximum flexibility (pay as often as you can and as much as you want, or don't pay at all and they will collect interest from our church building project investments at the end of the year). This has been a miraculous answer to prayer, because the honest truth is that with the largest portion of our money from the sale of the farm tied up in our home church building project until 2030, with no job prospects and no income, we definitely don't fit ANY of the standard criteria for a mortgage! But God opened that door so wide for us, in a way that was far beyond anything we would have ever dreamed or asked. So when God does reveal the "whither then", we will be able to move expediently to secure housing!

Until then, He has provided us with a place to stay in our home town of Waldheim until the first week of August (barring the 14-24th of June, if you know of a place we could crash during that period that would be another answer to prayer) and He has given us more confidence in being able to say the words (and be content in saying them): "I cannot say." Where will you be living? I cannot say. What will you be doing? I cannot say. Where will your kids be going to school? I cannot say. What are your plans for the future? I cannot say. The one thing we can say with complete confidence is that although we do not know WHAT the future holds, we know WHO holds the future.

We have had a lot of questions about Pietro's plans for seminary, and what our long term plans are and even those have become increasingly "we cannot say". We do feel increasingly that it is a time in life where we must show care and concern for our kids emotional, educational and social needs, and we do see providing stability and opportunity for them as a large priority for the next ten years until the youngest one comes of age. Since financially it will not be saving us money to live in Caronport, and since doors are not opening in Caronport area for employment and since employment is going to be the important clincher for location, we feel that once the other details of our lives fall together, we will see if, how and when Pietro can fit a class or two a year around holidays and in his spare time through the modular courses offered at Briercrest.

And what about Italy, you ask? We cannot say. Although the dream and the willingness is there if and when God were to open the door in the future for us to return, we have been cautioned and have come to a feeling of conviction we are NOT to put any timeline, or even a definitive stamp of self assurance on our return to Italy at this point. By no longer trying to force a timeline of our own devising, we can focus on living fully in the next chapter of life to continue serving, growing, learning and living out our mission wherever (and for however long) God deems fit to plant us.

Please pray with us that we would continue to have absolute confidence in God's plan and provision for our family, when it comes to our community, our home, our employment, our continued formation and "place in His plan". We might not be able to say "wither then" but we can confidently say, "wherever and whatever lies ahead of us, we know Who goes before us, we know Who stands behind: the God of angel armies is always by our side!

Patchwork Pieces

One of the biggest challenges that I have personally grappled with over the past four years is a paradox between desiring to be directed by God, and the need to, in a way, "have a plan"- to present to our agency, sending church and partners. In order to do the second, you need to try to discern the first, but pressure often leads you to feel the need to have this upfront, in advance of when it is revealed. While we have found that the discipline of setting and holding ourselves accountable to our ministry vision, mission and objectives have helped keep us focused and protected us from being pulled in any and every direction, they also, due to our own shortcomings, have taken on a life of their own that can very easily distract us from that open 'unknowing and watching' to be merely participants in what God is doing.

In my quiet time this morning I was given the picture of a patchwork quilt. So many pieces to sort through, to cut to size, to fit together, and to stitch together one edge at a time. Within a quilt there are patterns of patches that are designed to fit against one another, working together to merge into a whole. What washed over my heart is that I am not the quilter in the story of my life. We are not the pattern setters in the story of our comings, our goings, our direction, our final pattern. God is. I am the quilt in progress. And my life is made up of a million circumstances and details, colors and patterns. Why is it, that even knowing this, so many times in the daily grind I want to be the one to design this story, to bring the pieces together and see it take shape. Or, in moments of conviction, I realize that this is not my place; but still I strain mentally to try to discern the pattern emerging from the pieces. Like a child looking at an optical puzzle, so often I make out a picture hidden within the picture while missing the big picture completely. 

A dear friend told me yesterday "I feel like I am a number of steps behind in following your journey" to which I replied, 'No, more likely just finding it hard to keep step.' Because as we try to find our way forward, I can honestly say my own steps are faltering at best and at worst I expend a lot of energy pointlessly breaking bush that God has not yet bulldozed before us. So how can I do merit to that in a ministry letter? Sometimes long stretches go buy where I ask myself, "What can I say? We need to say something. We need a plan. We need a goal. We need answers. Well friends, it's easy to make a plan. Especially if you love to plan and dream and pursue dreams. It's a lot harder to just let the pieces of your life take shape as the Master stitches away one piece at a time.

Do you want to know the real, messy, vulnerable truth? As much as we would like to, as much as we have strived to, we realize with increasing humility that we don't know for sure what our future holds. We have felt obliged to 'have a plan' for the sake of our partners, we have sought to piece the patches together as best we can fathom, but the honest truth is we are probably doing an infantile job of it. Living in confidence of the Who and the What and the Why rather than the Where, the When, and the How, this is the discipline we are being challenged to learn. 

We have seen how God sewed the pieces of our past and our last four years together to do something beautiful within us, we do believe without any doubt this was His perfect timing and plan for us. Now He is picking up different pieces, new pieces, old pieces you might even say, and continuing to work this unique pattern of our story that is rich with two worlds, two cultures, two places. But we can't be in two places at once. We can only be in one stitch in time and live fully in the moment.  

Yesterday I was hit with the realization that, while not resisting or rebelling against the pattern that is shaping around our lives, I have not been embracing what God has next.  I have been trying to just skip jump it and live in the dream of where it will lead. Which, if I am going to apply this lesson,  I need to learn to say were it might lead. Living in the future is as futile as living in the past; I can only live fully present in the next moment. Because the next is the now, and the now is all we have. And so I fight all that is in me to stop trying to piece together the patches. To try to see my part as becoming nothing but thread, nothing but present and pliable in the hand of the Master Quilter who is stitching something bigger than I can see from my vantage point. To be present in the moment of one single stitch in time and to trust that He is creating something beautiful.

'Our lives are like patchwork quilts. When we view the pieces of our lives- joys, sorrows, health, illness, marriage, obedient children, willful children- when we can't see the pattern. We're so close to what's happening at the moment that we can't see the whole. But the Master Craftsman, the Ultimate Quilter, Father God, is at work. From our vantage point we can't see that God is creating something beautiful, but He is.' Gwen Ellis, By His Pattern.