Something Beautiful

I am not wired to see life through rose colored glasses. If anything I would say my lenses tend to be pretty gray by nature. That said, as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety in my 20's and 30's, one of my acquired and learned disciplines has been focus. When we look at something, whether it be concrete or abstract, we look at it through a unique paradigm that is influenced by our own experiences, fears, beliefs and worldview. Our default is to interpret things much like a camera on auto focus through our own uniquely programmed set of lenses. When we allow ourselves to be conscious, curious and cautious of  how our default affects our perspective, we are able to switch out of auto mode, and learn to see a whole new world of depth and color in manual mode.

Some years ago, the word I chose for my year was "beauty". I wanted to make a concentrated effort that year to be acutely aware of the beautiful. It was an amazing and life altering exercise for me. I threw away my gray lensed glasses that year and disciplined my eyes to observe more closely, appreciate more fully the beauty in the mundane. I am a different, happier, pleasanter person because of it.

Today as I curled up to read to my fourth grader I found myself basking in the warmth of this reality as expressed so powerfully in this passage;

'Michele started toward the painting, but Lord Derby stopped him. "Wait a minute. If you like the picture I'll give it to you. But you must tell the truth."
Michele looked around him. How wonderful it would be to take this place home with him- the sea, and the sky and the cliffs! He walked to the front of the easel, looked at the canvas and then looked again.
There was no sea, no sky, no cliffs.
"The steps," he gasped. "You painted a picture of the steps to Anacapri."
Lord Derby nodded, well pleased with himself. "Do you like my picture?"
Michele nodded, slowly. "Yes. Only-"
"Only what?"
"The steps are so beautiful."
"Have I made them too beautiful? More beautiful than they really are?"
"I never thought they were beautiful at all. I thought they were ugly."
"Perhaps you have never looked at them before."
"Looked at them? I have looked at them a thousand times!"
"Sometimes we never look at the things we see most often."
Michele continued to stare at the picture. "Those colors in the rocks-are they really there?"
"I saw them there."
"And the steps- do they loop and turn like that?"
"Exactly like that."
"You have made them look like a stairway to heaven!"
"Have I? Good..."
But as they walked toward home Michele was still puzzled. "Lord Derby."
"Yes, Michele?"
"Why did you go to the most beautiful spot on Capri and then paint something else?"
..."You don't need an artist to show you the beauty of a place like that. But your ugly steps- if I have made you see a bit of beauty in them, Michele, I am very happy."

Oh how this fills my chest with a warm rush of wonder. The world has its share of ugliness. As I look out my window the scene is littered with abandoned, mildew and graffiti tainted edifices with gaping dark mouths of former windows and doors; streets strewn with garbage, whole bags of it, ripped open and spread far and wide by wild mangy dogs. But my focus elicits a feeling of wonder and joy. I see the soft depth of the green pine forest against the backdrop of the ever azure Mediterranean sky. I see the bobbing yellow orbs on the lemon tree in the abandoned yard behind us drooping under the weight of its bounty, the explosion of purple petals on the bougainvillea climbing the corner of the dilapidated house, the two perfect roses suspended against the backdrop of rough bamboo that shields us from the street.

Like the mess outside my window, the news and the realities of life in a fallen world are ugly and regretful. But the world is still such a wonderful place. We have been given the gift of sight and senses and the power to exercise them. In the midst of the ordinary, the ugly and mundane we can always find something beautiful.

 a few of the 921 steps (only access) to the hilltop town of Anacapri (Capri, Italy)

Threads

"Station yourselves and see the deliverance of the Lord which He will work for you today.  The Lord Himself will work for you, you have only to be still (silent, quiet, at peace, do nothing, remain at rest)." Exodus 14:13-14

"It will not be you that fights this battle.  Take up your station, hold your position, then stand still and watch the Lord's victory on your behalf.  Do not be dismayed or discouraged for the Word of the Lord shall be your help." 2 Chronicles 20:17

The Word of the Lord indeed is our help! Just when all strength is gone and you fall on your face, spent, and say, God... I can't.  He says, "You're not supposed to."  And I cry.  Because once again, I've lost sight of how this works.  "Obedience is work right? You told us to get ready.  That's work, lots of work... we've done it... but nothing else makes sense!"  The beautiful way He reveals Himself and His purposes in the tapestry only after the maze of threads and colors have crossed and criss crossed the warp and weft more times than we can count.  We look at the individual threads, seeing only one color being worked in at a time, but the master weaver knows what He is about.

And then, suddenly, out of the confusion of threads you see figures and forms taking shape.  You see how the seemingly unrelated threads have come together to create a unified visual.  And when you see it your heart leaps for the beauty that is taking shape in one corner, believing that the same is happening across the loom and will be revealed in its myriad of intricacies in time.

I had one of those peeks into the developing image just throughout the course of last evening and this morning and it was beautiful in my eyes. We have come to a point in our journey where we have done what we were asked to do. The house is ready, we have eliminated the excess from our lives, we are ready for whatever He asks of us.  And in the process we have reached the end of ourselves.  We have laid our hearts, home, security, future, rights and any inkling of common sense from a human standpoint down, and stand here emotionally naked and completely dependent.  

I have to make a confession that I have been believing (and verbalizing) a lie over the past few months, and it only became apparent to me today when I took a moment to pause and look back, and see today in light of the past.  On March 28th I sent out our last ministry update newsletter. Since then I have stated numerous times that we have been set back to square one, or beyond square one into the realm of negative numbers on the process scale. In that letter I outlined how God had shut the door with OM Italy and how we were requesting prayer for two things. The first thing to be wisdom in knowing what agency God would have us partner with, and the second to give us a clear direction on ministry calling. At the time I don't think we had a clear picture of how the second request was the crucial need.  You can't settle on a good partnership fit if you don't know exactly what God is calling you to, and be able to evaluate who is going to be able to best equip and enable you to live it out.

As I read over the "secondary" request for clarity on vision and calling and God's purposes for us in Italy, that is when I saw how much has come together in the tapestry.  I felt we were making no progress at all, but the reality is that in two months time God has completely revealed and solidified His calling and purposes to us without a shadow of doubt.  We see it clearly, we own it fully, we desire it passionately. Above and beyond that He has shown us that He has been preparing to equip us for this all along, not through discipleship training in Zambia, not through on the ground training with OM Italy, but through the structures of leadership already at place in our lives in our home church.

Last week we attended the first of 12 classes in a course called Real-Life Discipleship: equipping disciples who make disciples. We listened to our pastor share his heart for practical discipleship and seeing this become a standard of health and growth in our church.  This course, his heart, the tools and the mentor we have been praying for God to put in our hands and in our lives to give us the practical foundation to live out the passionate call he has placed in our hearts.  To encourage and excite the Italian church to be and make real life disciples of Jesus Christ.  

So the core issue is clear.  Everything else is a matter of time.  And just when we thought we couldn't take one more step, we realize once again that this journey is not about getting there.  It's about each step along the way.  And we continue to be on a here and now step.  Excited to grow in the ministry of discipleship, excited to be part of what God is awakening in our church right here, right now.  Excited to one day be an extension of that work in carrying it beyond our walls to another nation that desperately needs those tools and encouragement.  But excited to "be still" and watch the Lord bring it about.  In His time and His ways. 

Excited, not exhausted.  Exhilarated to tell the truth.  

Myopia

For all that I accuse my children of being thick skulled sometimes, it is becoming evident to me that they come by it naturally. I find myself on a now proven and predictable cycle of discovery and re-discovery and.... re-re-discovery.

When this journey began to unfold for us last fall we were impressed with two words. Get. Ready. That was all we knew. As we began to move forward in faith and obedience to that calling to simplify and prepare, there have been many twists and turns and ups and downs that have pointed consistently towards Italy. Sometimes with the road seeming to stretch ahead in sharp and detailed clarity, sometimes enshrouded in thick and heavy, disorienting fog. Sometimes with road markers seeming to point the way, sometimes with dead ends and detour signs throwing us for a loop.

Last week I stayed home from Sunday School to have some quality quiet time with God. And by that you need to understand  I don't just mean "quiet" time.  I mean QUIET time. There is something sacred about an empty, silent house when you are a busy stay at home mom of six. Only the house wasn't empty at all. It was full of God. And as I enjoyed my alone time with Him, He reminded me yet again that He has not left us or forgotten us. No. He gently showed me that yet again *I* am the one who has forgotten.

In September of 2013 He told us what to do. Get ready. Somehow I keep losing sight of that in the journey. Not completely.  Of course we have had to constantly work towards getting ready, but I continuously lose sight of the fact that that is ALL He has asked of us. It's like I hear it. I see it. I get it.  He has my full eye contact, conscious awareness and agreement. But then as one day fades into another and my mind slowly occupies itself with questions and thought processes, slowly but surely my eyes glaze over and shift from His to something slightly over His shoulder, in the distance. And I start to question a million things on the horizon and before I know it I have myopia and a migraine and am sitting there with my head in my hands and my heart in my throat. Only then, when I am so muddled as to be immobilized do I hear again that still small voice,

 "Hey pumpkin'.  Eye contact."

and my eyes refocus... find His.

And I see in them all I need to know.

All that He has revealed.

Get ready.

And it is more than enough.