Letting Go

I feel like my life is a bit of a Broadway production .  God is the set designer, the scriptwriter, the Producer, the Director... you name it... It's like getting the lead on the biggest production with the most famous director and you find yourself waffling between feeling like a little girl with stage fright one moment and empowered and bigger than life the next.  I can almost hear the instructions... "Take this", "Give me that", "Do this", "Don't do that."  " A little less drama..." "A little more faith..."  "CUT!"  "Take five..."  It really is a one man show, and I'm just trying to keep up with learning my part.  

So I've been feeling like my character is supposed to learn to step out of the boat and walk on water.  Or stand on the edge of the ledge, lean back and fall into faith.  It's funny... a week ago I thought letting go of all control was the toughest thing I was ever going to learn to do, I wasn't actually even sure I COULD learn to do it.  But something clicked one day.  The realization that it is not the letting go of control that is the hard work, it's the white-knuckled effort of  hanging on to it for dear life.

Since the start of this journey I have consistently heard God impressing on my heart "stop trying to manage this".... "I've got it."  "Eyes on me..."  On one side I have totally trusted that, but on the other side, my human tendencies to manage/organize/process have continuously found me stopping myself in my tracks and realizing that I am taking over more responsibility than God wants me to in this endeavor.  He just wants me to show up and be ready where and when He tells me, it's not my job to try to read ahead in (or heaven forbid re-write) the script, or worry about set construction, or get sidetracked by all the lights, sounds and commotion.

I just finished a 6 week study on the book of Ezra.  Each day the lesson for life that stood out to me was that it is MY job to know God's will, and obey it.   It's that simple.  Every other little or large detail?  It's all His.  He challenges me to trust and obey and watch Him unfold the story the way only He can.  

And yet I constantly find myself getting in the way and stepping on His toes.  One day I found myself trying to dream up ways that I could pray for some really cool housing concepts that could lower our support needs.  Like God needed my help coming up with a great idea.  As I sat there dreamily I all of a sudden got all excited. Meanwhile, God's just up there listening and trying to not smile... knowing that I am wasting energy on something that is just a non-issue.  He's already got our house picked out... He's already working out all the details in advance even if they won't become our reality for another 6 months.  HE'S GOT THIS.  And little glimpses into what HE is doing, and how HE wants to provide and how HE wants to surround us with the support and partnership of incredible people send little electric shocks down my spine.

Then the other day, another one of those spine tingling moments when Pietro returned from dropping off our passport applications and footing the final $502.00  bill. There I sat thinking "thank goodness for the auction" and the extra money it brought in... to help cover things like this.   On his way home Pietro had stopped to  pick up the mail and there was an unexpected parcel from out of province.  The words in the card were the greatest blessing, but the $500.00 tucked crisply inside just made our eyes well up with tears.  $50.00 would have been a treat, $100 would have seemed extravagant.  But God and his children are extravagant times 5.  

So how can you not get the message when it arrives postmarked and stamped special delivery?  I was mulling over this lesson God is revealing to me, to let go of control and learn to lean rather than lead;  I was driving home from dropping the kids off somewhere and this song came on and it was like I was truly hearing it for the first time, like it was the theme song for this act in the script of our lives.  

I'm Letting Go (Francesca Battistelli)

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge                                                                                                                                             like an acrobat                                                                                                                                                                                           There’s no turning back

This is a giant leap of faith                                                                                                                                                               Trusting and trying to embrace                                                                                                                                                           The fear of the unknown; beyond my comfort zone

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me;  and my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe                                                                                                             It feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Appears on Album: My Paper Heart

listen here

Over the Edge and Onto the Ledge

My heart is overflowing.  And that is not the only thing flowing.  I can't hold back the tears after just having been washed in the most tender and sweet heavenly encouragement through earthly hands.

Update.  Two days ago we were told from OM Italy that while they have "accepted" our application "in theory", we can not officially be accepted as staff until we are residents in Italy.  But from OM Canada's side, we can not start to raise support until we are officially on staff with OM Italy... so we were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Frustration mounted and again, we felt adrift and disoriented trying to take our bearings in a heavy fog.

And so, yet again, we throw out our lifeline with a message in a bottle... a spiritual SOS to those we know can call out some coordinates, or just a reassuring shout out that everything is going to be okay.

And from near and far the voices rang out, words of empathy, encouragement and exhortation.  Words of hope and words of truth.  Good words from good people who believe in God's good ways. And besides that God also continued to remind over and over what is our job and what is His.  Our job is to just put one foot in front of the other, "He goes before us, He stands behind, the God of angel armies is always by our side." What more could we ask for? We are hemmed in by His grace and goodness no matter how deep and dark the woods around us appear.

So today, calls to both OM offices were again in order.  Calls that must be made sooner than later as Christmas approaches and the OM Italy leader will be leaving for Columbia on Thursday.  As we sat there just staring into space after a lengthy call to OM Canada we suddenly had the same thought at the same time. A specific name and a few committees came to mind of who we should talk to at our church, to see if there was any way our church could help us with the logistics of support raising in the interim between the here and now and then and there of the move.   It was a glimmer of a hope, and we shelved the thought to attend to life.

About an hour later we received a phone call.  Who was on the other end but the man who had come to mind.  Why was he calling if not to tell us that he had been meeting with one of the committee heads from our church and they had been discussing our situation and he kindly asked how we would feel about them trying to help us in the precise way that had come to mind for us to request their help. Yet again, the help was proffered before we even asked.

I cry and cry as I think of the people who were "praying with confidence" and I cry and cry because even when the situation looks dreary... our God never disappoints.  When you are clinging with aching fingers hanging from the precipice for dear life and suddenly an arm reaches out, grabs your wrist and pulls you over.  Over the edge and onto the ledge.  And you find yourself sitting there, breathing again, a little limp, but with a new sense of awareness and pleasure to be alive, and to be able to experience the kaleidoscope of emotion in all its various hues and shades.  The blues and greys just make the gold and crimson that much more remarkable.

No Nearer to the End

Is that THE mountain?"  asked Bilbo in a solemn voice.  "Of course not!" said Balin.  "That is only the beginning of the Misty Mountains, and we have got to get through, or over, or under those somehow, before we can come into the Wilderland beyond.  And it is a deal of a way even from the other side of them to the Lonely Mountain in the East."

'"Oh!"  said Bilbo, and just at that moment he felt more tired than he ever remembered feeling before.'

"(Rivendell) sounded nice and comforting, but they had not got there yet and it was not so easy as it sounds to find the Last Homely House west of the Mountains.  There seemed to be no trees and no valleys and no hills to break the ground in front of them, only one vast slope going slowly up and up to meet the feet of the nearest mountain."

"It was indeed a much wider land from the ford to the mountains than ever you would have guessed.  Bilbo was astonished.  Altogether it was a very slow business following the track, even guided by Gandalf, who seemed to know his way about pretty well.  They followed his lead but they seemed no nearer to the end of the search when the day began to fail."

It's uncanny how I relate to this.   All of it.  Thinking that we've come so far.  Thinking maybe we are over the hump, or at least nearing it.  Then all of a sudden looking around and wondering if we have made any progress at all.   I know it's not true.  I know so much water has passed under the bridge, and we've been swept along on a raging current of emotion and change and faith.  Even so, to be perfectly honest in the past twenty four hours I have wrestled with feelings of despair, feeling like the waves have washed us right back to shore.

I know it's not about the destination.  I know it's about the journey, and how it will shape us.  I know that every challenge is an opportunity for growth.  I know I want to grow.  Grow in patience, faith, trust.... so I know this journey is good for me.   So good.  But so tiring.

Even while we have committed to take a physical sabbatical from ministry prep plans over Christmas, the energy required to even try to be still in one's heart and one's  mind continues.  It is truly exhausting to learn to live by a whole new paradigm.  A paradigm where you hand over the right to all knowledge, all control, all power.  You give up the right to choose the turns, to set the pace.  You merely keep your eyes fixed on the feet that go before you... the feet that know the way.  The feet that choose the path.

And so we trust that He will make the way.  The way for us to get all our paperwork in order and to provide for all the details.

 We will  have to strap our packs on and travel far in coming months but not tonight.  Tonight I know we have a standing invitation to curl up in Rivendell and "sleep in heavenly peace."  To enjoy the blessedness of this special moment.   To not miss out on the peace and comfort and joy afforded here by looking out the window and fretting over the peaks to be summited  in the distance.

Approach to Rivendell by Paul Tobin