Letting Go

I feel like my life is a bit of a Broadway production .  God is the set designer, the scriptwriter, the Producer, the Director... you name it... It's like getting the lead on the biggest production with the most famous director and you find yourself waffling between feeling like a little girl with stage fright one moment and empowered and bigger than life the next.  I can almost hear the instructions... "Take this", "Give me that", "Do this", "Don't do that."  " A little less drama..." "A little more faith..."  "CUT!"  "Take five..."  It really is a one man show, and I'm just trying to keep up with learning my part.  

So I've been feeling like my character is supposed to learn to step out of the boat and walk on water.  Or stand on the edge of the ledge, lean back and fall into faith.  It's funny... a week ago I thought letting go of all control was the toughest thing I was ever going to learn to do, I wasn't actually even sure I COULD learn to do it.  But something clicked one day.  The realization that it is not the letting go of control that is the hard work, it's the white-knuckled effort of  hanging on to it for dear life.

Since the start of this journey I have consistently heard God impressing on my heart "stop trying to manage this".... "I've got it."  "Eyes on me..."  On one side I have totally trusted that, but on the other side, my human tendencies to manage/organize/process have continuously found me stopping myself in my tracks and realizing that I am taking over more responsibility than God wants me to in this endeavor.  He just wants me to show up and be ready where and when He tells me, it's not my job to try to read ahead in (or heaven forbid re-write) the script, or worry about set construction, or get sidetracked by all the lights, sounds and commotion.

I just finished a 6 week study on the book of Ezra.  Each day the lesson for life that stood out to me was that it is MY job to know God's will, and obey it.   It's that simple.  Every other little or large detail?  It's all His.  He challenges me to trust and obey and watch Him unfold the story the way only He can.  

And yet I constantly find myself getting in the way and stepping on His toes.  One day I found myself trying to dream up ways that I could pray for some really cool housing concepts that could lower our support needs.  Like God needed my help coming up with a great idea.  As I sat there dreamily I all of a sudden got all excited. Meanwhile, God's just up there listening and trying to not smile... knowing that I am wasting energy on something that is just a non-issue.  He's already got our house picked out... He's already working out all the details in advance even if they won't become our reality for another 6 months.  HE'S GOT THIS.  And little glimpses into what HE is doing, and how HE wants to provide and how HE wants to surround us with the support and partnership of incredible people send little electric shocks down my spine.

Then the other day, another one of those spine tingling moments when Pietro returned from dropping off our passport applications and footing the final $502.00  bill. There I sat thinking "thank goodness for the auction" and the extra money it brought in... to help cover things like this.   On his way home Pietro had stopped to  pick up the mail and there was an unexpected parcel from out of province.  The words in the card were the greatest blessing, but the $500.00 tucked crisply inside just made our eyes well up with tears.  $50.00 would have been a treat, $100 would have seemed extravagant.  But God and his children are extravagant times 5.  

So how can you not get the message when it arrives postmarked and stamped special delivery?  I was mulling over this lesson God is revealing to me, to let go of control and learn to lean rather than lead;  I was driving home from dropping the kids off somewhere and this song came on and it was like I was truly hearing it for the first time, like it was the theme song for this act in the script of our lives.  

I'm Letting Go (Francesca Battistelli)

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge                                                                                                                                             like an acrobat                                                                                                                                                                                           There’s no turning back

This is a giant leap of faith                                                                                                                                                               Trusting and trying to embrace                                                                                                                                                           The fear of the unknown; beyond my comfort zone

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me;  and my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe                                                                                                             It feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Appears on Album: My Paper Heart

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